Episode 6
HOLE Exposure: Through Christopher’s Lens
Christopher learned to hide before he even knew what he was hiding from — a preschool photo, cut into pieces, became the first secret of many.
Years later, that instinct to hide turned into a gift: an eye for coded imagery, a way of saying everything without saying anything at all.
From Catholic guilt and nightmares about being found, to queer art, kink, assault, healing, autism, and finally peace — Christopher’s story is a study in what it means to be seen.
This is how a gay kid raised to disappear learned to use the camera to say, “I’m here.”
Transcript
Welcome to Story. Loads of gay stories. I'm your host, Matt, and yes, we're doing exactly what the name suggests. Collecting every gay story we can get our hands on.
Here's the deal, though. These stories only matter if people actually hear them, so. So do me a favor. Send this episode to at least one person, please.
Your closeted co worker, your recently out cousin, that guy you matched with on Grindr, who seemed interesting, but you probably need to ghost. Someone needs to hear this. And if you have a story, well also go follow us on Instagram Toryhole and slide into my DMs.
I promise I'm less annoying there than I am in your earbuds right now. Today's episode is about learning to hide so well, you accidentally turn it into art. This is Christopher's story.
Christopher:Yeah, I don't know, it's just, I think, really interesting to me of if a straight person sees this happening in the street, they would not know what's going on. But when a gay person, like, if a gay person sees that photo, they know exactly what's going on.
Matt:Christopher makes photos that have two completely different meanings depending on who's looking. Straight people see one thing. Gay guys, we see something else entirely.
Christopher:And I am just, like, very obsessed with that kind of dual coded imagery where it's like, if it were.
If you weren't gay and seeing a photo of mine, you would just think, like, it's some guy just wearing shorts and socks and shoes in the middle of the street. But if you're gay, you understand the body language and, like, the way they're looking at the camera.
Matt:It's a secret language. The stance, the eye contact, the energy, the kind of code we all learned because for years, saying what we meant out loud was too dangerous.
This is Christopher's story about learning to hide so well, he turned it into art. All right, let's start with the moment Christopher learned that some parts of himself were dangerous.
Christopher:The first time I kind of realized something was different was in preschool during, like, dress up time, I guess my, like, girlfriend and I put on princess dresses and my teachers took photos and sent me home with them. And I remember my mom was, like, so mad and was like, I won't tell your dad. And then cut them up into pieces and threw them away.
And that was the first time that I was like, okay, there's something. Something in me is bad, and I need to hide that from people.
Matt:Pictures cut into pieces. A mother's panic. A child's first lesson. Some parts of you are too dangerous. For your father to see.
Christopher:And so all my life, even still, I have, like, horrible, horrible nightmares. And until I came out, the reoccurring nightmare, some kind of large thing trying to find me and me trying to not get found.
My mom said that when I was, like, a toddler, I would pluck my eyelashes to avoid going to sleep because I was so afraid of nightmares.
Matt:From age 4 until 21, 17 years of the same nightmare, Something big hunting him while he tried to stay hidden.
Christopher:And then, shockingly, when I came out, that stopped.
Matt:But young Christopher was visibly and audibly different from other boys. And everyone noticed.
Christopher:I mean, seeing, like, old tapes of myself from, like, any age, so gay, especially when I was younger, I had a really bad speech impediment. And so I sounded exactly like the caterpillar from Bug's Life. And that was kind of my like, demeanor as well.
Matt:Oh, come on. That's cute. If you know, you know the caterpillar from Bug's Life.
Christopher was that kid, the one everyone's parents noticed, the one teachers whispered about, the flamboyant boy that couldn't even hide when he tried.
Christopher:It wasn't until recently where I realized I had such, like, a fear of people's parents. And it was because I growing up, people would always tell me, like, my mom thinks you're gay. My dad thinks you're gay.
And so I always felt like I was just being watched by friends, parents.
Matt:Being told you're gay before you even know what it means. Being watched by adults who decided something about you that you haven't even figured out yet. Christopher grew up under surveillance.
His parents, Mexican mom, Salvador, and dad, sent him to Catholic school. But unlike most Catholic parents, they gave him something unusual. Permission to question.
Christopher:I mean, when I was younger, my parents were like, we are Catholic. You don't have to be Catholic, but you have to be respectful of our religion and other people's religions.
Which, like, crazy for parents to say that, because I just remember when I was really young, I was, like, very confused by religion and just felt like if I were. If a different religious family adopted me, then I would just, like, be their religion.
Matt:That perspective, religion as accident of birth rather than absolute truth probably saved Christopher years of additional guilt. But it didn't save him from the Internet.
Christopher:I mean, I discovered porn very young because my.
I had a Hotmail account, and one day I misspelled it and found Hotmail and went down a deep rabbit hole and learned that putting things in the computer trash doesn't actually delete, was just like, guys kind of from the side and, like, their butts. Yeah, I was, like.
Matt:In fourth or fifth grade, young Christopher discovered gay porn by misspelling hotmail as two words. Hot, male, M A, L, E. Sometimes the universe just has that sense of humor.
Christopher:And then, yeah, got caught and said that I got dared by a friend. And my punishment was that I could not go to Cirque du Soleil, which is, like, the gayest punishment anyone can get.
Matt:The gayest punishment for the gayest crime. His parents may not have realized it, but they were accidentally perfect in their choice of consequences.
And that moment, getting caught, having to lie, being punished, cemented the lesson. From preschool, being gay was something to hide, something shameful, something dangerous. So Christopher did what a lot of us did.
He became the most perfect Catholic boy you've ever seen. Christopher threw himself into being exactly what everyone wanted. Religious certifications, confirmation classes, the whole performance.
Christopher:In high school, I got, like, very religious, and even my parents were like, we don't even take it that seriously. You can calm down, but it felt like, I have to do this, and this will fix whatever.
Matt:When your Catholic parents are telling you to tone down the Catholicism, you've officially gone too far. But Christopher didn't care. He wasn't listening.
Christopher:I mean, I wasn't super religious in that, like, I believed it. It was more of, like, I wanted as many, like, religious certifications as I could to just, like, outwardly do that.
It was less of me wanting it and more of that sort of overcompensating aspect of, like, I just need to be, like, the most at this.
Matt:The most Catholic, the most devout, the most convincingly straight Catholic boy in the San Fernando Valley.
Christopher:Except I got kicked out of my confirmation class, so I had to do it all over again. And my mom's like, just give up. Like, we don't care.
Matt:And why was he kicked out?
Christopher:I was late too many times.
Matt:Probably stopping for that iced coffee. But the real cycle, the one that would define his teenage years, was much more private.
Christopher:Yeah, I mean, I still would masturbate, but then I would, like, cry and pray about it immediately after. It'd be like, never again. And even, like, in college, like, hooking up with guys, I do the same thing where I would, like, pray after.
I'd be, like, so disgusted by myself. And then finally was like, all right, well, this isn't going to stop. So I guess it's religion that I have to give up, jerk the gherk.
Matt:Cry about it, pray, promise never again, repeat for years.
Christopher:But, like, I Still didn't fully know what gay was in high school, even though, like, I definitely had feelings that now I'm like, I was just gay, but I just. At the time, I genuinely didn't know, like, what that meant.
And I remember, like, anatomically, I was like, well, I don't have a vagina, so I can't be gay, because where else would they be putting it? So that's good. Catholic school, sex ed there.
Matt:Then in college, which Christopher went to.
Christopher:What he calls the gayest college in the world in Boston.
Matt:You'd think that would make coming out.
Christopher:Easier with college because it was so gay. I felt so pulled back into the closet because I didn't want to, like, prove everyone right.
Matt:The irony is devastating. He gets to the gayest college in the world and goes deeper into the closet.
Because being gay felt like giving in to everyone else's assumptions rather than discovering his own truth.
Christopher:Because growing up, it was always like, friends, teachers, friends, parents, just being like, you're gay. And before I really even knew what.
Matt:That meant, everyone had already decided who Christopher was before he even knew himself. So when he got to college and finally started to explore, it felt less like discovery and more like surrender.
Christopher:It was just sort of like a slow process of every year. I would be like, well, like, that just happened because I was drunk, or I didn't really mean that.
Matt:Christopher had a whole playbook of denial, but it couldn't be denied that these college boys were hot. And being closeted on a campus and with all these gay boys meant his hookups. They started to get creative and risky.
Christopher:I mean, I think being closeted.
Matt:It.
Christopher:Was rare to hook up in a room. It was mostly like library, faculty lounge, like, when no one was there. Sketchy alleyway, rooftop, that kind of deal.
Matt:Christopher was sneaking around campus like he was pulling off heists instead of just trying to really make an effort on finding out who he was.
Christopher:Feel so pent up because I was closeted, and then go to meet some random guy, get to their, like, apartment, and then just, like, bail and run.
Matt:Even when he had the chance to hook up somewhere safe, he'd panic and take off rather than face what being there meant about who he was.
Christopher:I remember I had a summer between my junior and senior year where no, sophomore and junior year that summer, I, you know, got on Tinder and stuff and started going on dates and was like, okay, this is not a phase.
Matt:This is.
Christopher:I'm not even bi. Although I had been attracted to women before then. It was just kind of like all Right now I know what the deal is.
Matt:He finally had words for what he'd known since preschool. Dress up time. But knowing yourself and telling your family are two entirely different things.
Christopher started coming out to friends, which went well for the most part.
Christopher:One of my friends saw me on Tinder, and he told all of our friends that he saw me on there. So everyone kind of knew. But yeah, it was a sort of a slow process of telling friends, and everyone was, like, super chill about it.
Matt:But family, well, that can be a harder conversation.
Christopher:It was like two days before my college graduation, where three days after graduating, I was gonna move in with my boyfriend in New York. So I felt like had to break the news to my parents.
Matt:Two days before graduation, three days before moving in with a boyfriend. Christopher had cut the timing. Extremely close.
Christopher:One of my friends had a pretty bad coming out story. My mom. I talked to my mom about it, and she was like, you know, I just hate for my kid to ever feel that way.
Matt:His mom had literally said she'd hate for her kid to feel rejected. This seemed promising.
Christopher:And we were, like, super close. And then I came out and she took it really negatively. And it was like sort of everything I ever worried about being said to me was said.
Matt:Everything. Every fear he'd carried since preschool, every nightmare about being discovered, his mom said all of it.
Christopher:I was in LA at the time doing, like, a study abroad program, so I was like, at home, not with any friends.
Matt:And.
Christopher:Yeah, it was just, like, really bad.
Matt:No support system. And his mom, who he'd been closest to, was saying everything he'd been terrified to hear. But his dad surprised him.
Christopher:Weirdly. My dad, who, like I had a really bad relationship with, was completely fine with it.
And my sister, I guess, was there, and my mom told him, and he was like, well, he seems happy, so that's really all that matters.
Matt:His dad got it in four seconds. He seemed happy. Done. But understanding why his mom reacted so strongly required understanding where she was coming from.
Christopher:I mean, I grew up very sheltered. I'm like first generation. My parents were, like, not super religious, but, like, we definitely went to church often.
And growing up, like, if there was, like, a couple kissing on tv, my parents would change her channel. A lot of it isn't even homophobia. It's just any kind of public affection they find really uncomfortable.
Matt:Growing up in a household where even straight couples kissing on TV got the channel changed, Christopher was navigating layers of cultural discomfort around affection, not just homophobia. This reframes everything. His mom wasn't just reacting to him being gay. She was reacting to any sexuality at all.
Christopher:But with my mom, it definitely took a lot of years of her kind of trying to understand that, like, I didn't choose this and that my boyfriend at the time did not turn me. She did ask, like, can't you just marry a gay woman? Which I was like, that, that defeats the purpose.
Matt:Points for creativity, mom. But that's not how this works. Christopher's sister became his immediate lifeline and eventually his advocate.
Christopher:But yeah, luckily, like, my sister was like, super great about it. My, like, boyfriend at the time, his family, like, offered to fly me out and, like, were really there for me.
And since I'd already kind of told all my friends, I already had like a built in group of people who already knew who I didn't have to like, then also have that conversation with. So that was really great.
Matt:His sister's immediate acceptance, his boyfriend's family opening their home, his friends already knowing Christopher had built a support system that caught him when his mom couldn't. And over time, the family dynamic shifted.
Christopher:And so my sister has sort of been like, she's the one who will, like, address my mom whenever she says something. Not great because I kind of have just accepted that, like, she's not going to change.
I'm not going to like, convince her to understand anything about me that she doesn't really want to.
And it's just like a lot better for our relationship for me to just kind of like, take her where she's at and not feel any pressure to, like, change her.
Matt:But years later, Christopher discovered something that explained a lot about his family's discomfort when with his truth.
Christopher:And then a few years ago, found out I had like a second cousin who died of AIDS that no one ever told me about. And they still are like, we don't know. But he, you know, lived with his best friend for 10 years and.
Matt:You.
Christopher: s, early: Matt:So the silence around Christopher's sexuality wasn't new. The family had decades of practice in not talking about gayness. They'd been doing it since the 90s.
Christopher:But yeah, it was like a pretty rough, like, with friends, lovely.
With my sister, it was like everything you would want someone to say of, like, thank you for telling me and like, I'm so happy for you and so overall, it was good, but the actual, like, parent coming out situation was, like, really horrible.
Matt:But while his family was slowly learning to navigate his truth, Christopher had already discovered something that would change everything. He found it when he was in the closet. A way to be gay without saying it. To express what couldn't be spoken, to hide in plain sight. Photography.
Photography had become Christopher's secret language.
Christopher:And then also, just like with photography, especially, like, before fully, fully coming out, that was, like, such a wonderful outlet of, like, dressing models and, like, very eccentric fashion and having skin and, like, a lot of innuendo in photos and being like, that's not me. That's like, you know, for the school.
Matt:Magazine or whatever, Christopher was creating gay art while maintaining plausible deniability. And it worked.
Christopher:And I remember, like, after I came out, I was kind of like, oh, what do I do now? Because, like, now this isn't, like, my only way to experience, like, you know, fashion and gay stuff. Like, I have that everywhere.
Matt:But he kept making art, and the art evolved.
Christopher:Yeah, someone described my photography as, like, sad, horny, and I think that's kind of a good way to put it.
Matt:Sad horny. Yes, sad horny. That's actually a pretty accurate description, though, of a lot of gay art.
Christopher:I was always, like, very daydreamy growing up. And so that's kind of where, like, everything to feel is, like, still realistic in terms of, like, what they're wearing.
So, like, it's a lot of, like, athleisure and industrial spaces.
Matt:I love me some Lulu in the parking garage. But my personal favorite.
Christopher:Yes, a lot of white Nike socks.
Matt:Makes me want to melt. Of course, white Nike socks are basically part of the uniform of a certain kind of gay photography. But Christopher's work does something clever.
It operates in code, just like he learned to do as a kid.
Christopher:Yeah, and I just kind of love that.
And I keep kind of coming back to a lot of, like, very cruisy photo shoots, which, like, is usually not intentional, just kind of ends that ends up being that way.
Matt:That's Christopher's subconscious expressing what he spent years learning to hide. But something had shifted in Christopher's approach to who his art was for, for and why he made it.
Christopher:Now, being gay, I always say I take more of, like, a magneto approach to it, where I'm just like, I don't care what you feel or think. If anything, if this makes you uncomfortable, that feels good, because, like, you have made us feel uncomfortable for so long.
Matt:If you're not familiar, Magneto is the X Men character who believes mutants should embrace their powers and not worry about making regular humans uncomfortable.
Christopher:And so. So I think that's more of, like, the approach is, like, especially now, because I've done so many cruis issues.
I think now I'm more into, like, being less discreet with the innuendo and being a little more direct with it still in, like, very casual environments that, like, anyone would find themselves in, but then kind of giving, like, a very gay experience or feeling like a hero moment in that maybe usually not gay environment.
Matt:If you can't tell Christopher he's done hiding his art, was getting bolder, more direct, more unapologetic. But that confidence, that magneto approach, came from somewhere deeper than just artistic evolution.
It came from surviving something that had nearly broken him. There's part of Christopher's story that's harder to tell, but it's essential to understanding how he got from there to here.
We're going to talk about sexual assault and its aftermath. If you need to take a break or skip ahead about five minutes, no judgment. Sometimes you need to protect your own peace, and that's okay.
Christopher:I was assaulted in college, and so that just kind of, like, really ruined sex in general for me for, like, years. And then kind of, like, ignored it and then kind of, like, briefly mentioned it to my therapist.
And he was like, yeah, there is a word for what happened to you, but we don't have to say it until you want to, if you ever want to.
Matt:His therapist gave him space to process it on his own terms in his own time.
Christopher:So, like, got really into kink. And that was, like, a wonderful way to kind of, like, rediscover, like, feeling safe.
Matt:This might seem counterintuitive, using kink to feel safe with sex after assault, but Christopher explains why it worked.
Christopher:I think for me, like, being in charge of the situation and being like, I can touch, but no one can touch me, that was so healing, and, like, now I'm fine. I don't need it to be, like, super one way anymore.
But that was, like, a really huge kind of way to feel, like, comfortable, like, being intimate again.
Matt:Control. After having control taken away, Christopher needed to reclaim it completely before he could trust again.
And it wasn't just psychological because, like.
Christopher:For the longest time, I would be so into it, and then I would just, like, full, like, body mental, like, shutdown.
Matt:Those trauma responses would hijack his intimate moments, pulling him out of his body completely.
Christopher:I mean, it was a good, like, eight, nine years.
Matt:Yeah, that's how long it took for Christopher to feel normal again. And part of that healing process involved completely redefining what sex could mean for him. But first he had to unlearn some bad assumptions.
The kind that come from limited experience and people who weaponize your inexperience.
Christopher:So my, like, first college boyfriend, like, never douched and was just like, always ready to go. So I just kind of thought that's how it was for everyone.
And so then I hooked up with another guy and we were both really drunk and it was just like absolute nightmare.
Matt:He.
Christopher:Yeah, it was just like he was.
Matt:Not.
Christopher:In any position to bottom. And then later found out that was very much intentional and like, his thing.
Matt:Oh, well, that's pretty shitty.
Christopher:But, like, obviously everyone's different. Some people are very much of like, I need this. Which, fine, I guess. But yeah, that's not really the way I do it.
Matt:Yep. Not everyone is into poopy play. Christopher learned the hard way that what turns someone else on doesn't have to turn you on.
And more importantly, that bodies work differently. Consent is not optional, and communication matters.
Christopher:So that was very violating. I mean, I haven't bottomed. I genuinely don't know the last time. Five or six years maybe, but like, fully bottomed.
I don't know if I've ever, like, fully fully bottomed. But like, sex to me is, like, not that.
Matt:That violation fundamentally changed Christopher's relationship with bottoming, maybe forever. And here's what is important. He's not broken because of it. He just redefined what sex means to him.
What looked like an awkward hookup was actually someone using Christopher inexperience against him. Not every sexual disaster is a funny story. Some of them are violations that reshape how you approach intimacy for years.
But Christopher was learning what sex could be when it wasn't wrapped in shame or non consent.
Christopher:I remember I used to read hello Mr. And read a short story or like, essay from the sky who was like, sex can be like making out in the backseat of your car for an hour or having like, you know, penetrative sex or having oral sex or, like, me just eating someone's ass. And like, that is sex. And that's sort of in, like, the way I approach it.
Matt:This was revolutionary for Christopher. The idea that sex doesn't have to follow a script, doesn't have to include specific acts, doesn't require anyone to come just to count.
Christopher:No one has to. I mean, I'm happy if someone else does if that's what they want. But again, it's all. It's like not about getting something.
It's more of, like, the experience than, like, the finale. Because, like, I've had penetrative sex where I felt, like, obligated to and been like, I'm bored.
And then I've, like, just kissed people and been like, I'm, like, a changed person. That was so healing and wonderful. My friends described me as an emotional slut.
And so I think, like, that's sort of, like, the main thing for me is that. So it's less of, like, a physical type or scenario or whatever. It's more just, like, the actual connection.
Matt:Not collecting bodies, collecting moments of genuine connection. For Christopher, the hottest thing isn't a specific act or a body type. It's the feeling of actually being present with another person one on one.
Christopher started one reading, trying to make sense of everything he'd been carrying.
Christopher:Shortly after coming out randomly found a book about, like, gay trauma written. Written by, like, a gay psychiatrist called out of the Shadows. And it, like, put words.
So many feelings I had that I, like, never could really describe and.
Matt:Kind.
Christopher:Of realized, like, oh, I'm really not okay. Like, I'm pretty fucked up.
Matt:Yeah, we all are. Finding that book, though, was the first step toward actually dealing with everything.
Naming the problem, but naming it and fixing it are two different things.
Christopher:I was just like, I have a lot to sort out.
And I also kept having moments where I would have, like, large passages of time go by and, like, not remember, like, how I got somewhere or, like, what I did that day.
Matt:Lost time, memory gaps, classic trauma responses that Christopher was finally ready to address.
Christopher:And my, like, boyfriend at the time was like, I think as much as I want to, like, be there for you, I think someone who is trained in this is gonna help you more.
Matt:The people who truly love us recognize when we need professional help.
Christopher:Yeah, I mean, I am, like, very, like, manic depressive. And so I would just have weeks of, like, not leaving the apartment and, like, not eating or sleeping. And so, yeah, found a therapist.
And I saw him for, like, three or four years, and then he just stopped showing up one day.
Matt:Wait, what? The therapist just stopped showing up?
Christopher:But he also, like, towards the end, like, was asking me for advice with, like, his friends who were in relationships, and, like, I don't know, it was starting to feel uncomfortable. Yeah.
Matt:Not your standard therapeutic practice, but the work had been done. Christopher had learned to name his trauma, to understand his responses, to reclaim his sense of safety.
And he was about to discover something else about himself that would continue to keep his life interesting. Next Christopher went to a psychiatrist looking for help with focus.
Christopher:Yeah, I went in for ADHD and walked out with mood disorder and autism.
Matt:Oh, it gets better. Just wait.
Christopher:Well, like, so he was, like, just testing for, like, depression and mood stuff. He was like, a lot of your answers kind of point to autism. Have you ever, like, looked into that? And I was like, no, that's crazy.
Matt:And.
Christopher:And then I told my parents, and they were like, oh, you know what?
You did get tested for that in elementary school, because the school demanded that we test you for that, and they actually did say you were autistic, but we just didn't want to make it a thing.
Matt:Yep, classic 90s parenting at its best right there. Your kid gets diagnosed with autism, so you just. Yeah, don't tell him and hope it works out.
Christopher:Yeah. So that. That was kind of a. A lovely discovery of, like, oh, I'm not, like, difficult or dramatic or, like, broken.
Matt:It's just, like, Christopher just operates differently.
Christopher:Things that I had been, like, really trying to, like, correct, I kind of just had to accept and, like, not try to force myself to, like, act certain ways. And it was, like, very nice to be like, I'm just wired differently.
Matt:The autism diagnosis also explained something about Christopher's approach to intimacy and connection.
Christopher:No. Yeah. I mean, that's, like, where my autism really shows. So I normally will wait for someone else to make the move. So, like, that's of kind.
Kind of fun to get, like, corded, I guess, and just make sure that it's, like, only happening with people who I want that to happen with.
So it's like, either we hang out and it's, like, a fun, friendly thing, or, like, it's fun and friendly, and then, you know, they make it very clear that they're into me, and then I'm like, okay, great. So I think for me, just, like, no expectations is always, like, the best way to go about things.
Matt:So as Christopher's life continues to evolve, so did his relationship with social media and dating. He'd spent years navigating the gay app ecosystem. The good, the bad, and, well, we'll get to the belly button fingering in just a minute.
But when he looked back at what the apps had actually given him.
Christopher:I've met all of my closest friends through, like, Grindr and Scruff.
Matt:His closest friends. Not hookups that turned into friendships. Actual friends he met through apps that everyone loves to trash, including myself.
Doesn't mean, though, he wasn't using those to also find a little hole as well. But Christopher had discovered something Interesting about the whole nudes exchange ritual.
Christopher:I feel like once I've shared nudes with someone, it's pretty certain we're not going to meet up. Because then I'm like, that there's, like, no surprise anymore.
Matt:Some guys think nudes build anticipation for Christopher. They kill it. Once the mystery's gone. So is his interest. He'd rather leave something to discover in person.
And speaking of nudes, then there was X, formerly known as Twitter.
Christopher:Yeah. I had an ex for the longest time and then moved to Blue sky, and it was, like, felt pretty small.
So it was kind of like an all in one account of my body and then my face and then really unhinged opinions.
Matt:That's honestly the most accurate description of gay Twitter or gay Blue Sky I've ever heard.
Christopher:And then it started to really blow up and get thousands of followers. And I was like, having people who I'd met a long time ago find me and reach out and be like, wow, I can't believe, like, you're on here or whatever.
So I deleted that.
Matt:3,000 followers. That's when Christopher was like, yeah, I've had enough.
Christopher:I was fine with it when it was like, just people I knew seeing that, but when it just kind of like, started to really spiral and it was like, tons of random people, and I just found myself, like, blocking so many new followers, and I just kind of was like, I don't actually enjoy this anymore.
Matt:Yeah. Christopher didn't want to just be showing his dick and body off to random people. He wanted community, not fame.
When his alt account stopped feeling like a safe space with friends and started feeling like more of a performance for the world, he pulled the plug.
Christopher:Oh, yeah. I, like, got hit up by, like, a porn studio and they wanted me to be a model for them. And I was like, I'll edit for you, but I won't be on camera.
Matt:He knew his boundaries. He wanted to be behind the camera, not in front of it.
But the relationship between his art and his personal content was more fluid than you'd might expect.
Christopher:It's usually just like, my friends and I just like sharing stuff with each other. And so that feels much more attractive because it's like someone I know or like, I know them out of that context.
So, like, that brief experience makes it feels, like, more heightened and, like, earned.
Matt:Christopher and his friends share their own content with each other. Not links to porn, but actual photos and videos they've made of themselves.
Christopher:That's, like, more of my scene than, like, some hairless absy Guy with perfect lighting and sound.
Matt:The alt account ecosystem, where real people share real content with people they actually know. For Christopher, it's more intimate, more authentic, more connected than traditional porn.
Christopher's relationship with apps ranged from meaningful friendships, the occasional hookup, to anonymous fantasies that sounded better than they actually were.
Christopher:Sniffy's is, like, really hot to me. In theory. In practice, not so much.
The whole, like a non come over right now dynamic is like, so hot until I'm like, at the door and then I'm like, no, I'm gonna just like. I usually just leave.
Matt:The fantasy of anonymous hookups versus the reality of actually showing up. Sometimes the anticipation is the whole appeal. But dating apps also brought their own disasters. The kind that become legendary stories.
Christopher:I mean, like, the first hookup I had after Covid was one of the worst experiences of my life in, like, a good way.
Like, it's funny now, but, like, we'd been talking for a long time, obviously with like, Covid, and, like, finally hung out, and it was like, full on, just like performance mode. I would, like, caress his shoulder and he would moan so loudly and was like, so vulgar in, like a really put on way.
Matt:We know how much Christopher loves that fake porn acting.
Christopher:And then I like, really chapped lips. And he accused me of having, like, herpes, which I was like, I've been in lockdown for years.
Matt:Like, it's not chapped lips equals herpes. That's logic, that's airtight.
Christopher:And then he wouldn't take his dog out of the room, so she was just like, curled up next to us. And at one point she like, farted. And he was like, was that you or the dog? And it was like, obviously the dog.
Matt:We're reaching legendary disaster territory here.
Christopher:And then he started to, like, really aggressively finger my belly button. And I was like, you need to stop that. And he was like, that's not sexy for you. That's like my move.
And I was like, I need to tell you now that everyone hates that move. No one likes that.
Matt:I mean, maybe somebody does, but chances are probably pretty slim on that one.
Christopher:And then he took a shower because he felt so grossed out. And then was like, I actually, like, I'm kind of seeing someone and we have a date later, and I just feel really guilty doing this.
And I was like, you invited me over, like, two weeks ago. And like, two weeks ago we made this plan.
Matt:So let's recap. Performance, moaning, herpes, accusations, dog farts, belly button, assault, guilt shower. And then revealing he had another date.
That same day, the same day part I can forgive. This is why gay men share horror stories though.
Christopher:So I left. Yeah. And that was very memorable. Yeah.
Matt:Of course.
Christopher:Would always seem at the bars, there's.
Matt:No escaping your worst hookups. They will always be at the same bar you want to go to. But Christopher's relationship with social media and gay culture reflects something deeper.
His thoughts about how gay men are supposed to present themselves to the world.
Christopher:I need pictures, I need documentation. I need everyone to know, you know, my level of gayness. And yeah, I just don't think it needs to be that.
Like I think it can be more like personal and not like we have to make each other feel shitty kind of thing.
Matt:The pressure to document and prove your level of gayness. Christopher has rejected that entire framework.
Christopher:I mean honestly, I think like being more comfortable being around like straight people. I think the whole like gold star gay thing is so rotted and there's like this like obsession of we have to look gay there.
It's like a double edged sword of everyone knowing that you're gay and also like there's no one way to do that. Like you can be super sexual. You can be not sexual at all.
You can like dress in speedos and crop tops or you can like not and no one's doing it more correctly than anyone else.
Matt:The pressure to look gay enough, to be gay correctly, to perform gayness in ways that are immediately readable to everyone.
Christopher:Like I've been told repeatedly I don't dress gay enough. And I'm like, it's okay if someone doesn't know that I'm gay. Like I'm also brown so like I'm already sticking out enough.
I don't need to call more attention to myself. And also I don't need everyone to know that at all times I'm okay with just me being the only person in the room who knows that.
Matt:That's pretty incredible. From spending years in hiding, Christopher has found a different kind of peace. Not hiding, but not performing either. Just being himself.
Today Christopher is living and loving life and taking good care of himself.
Christopher:I do running and trail running now, which still like is the best feeling unfortunately for my brain. And like it really sucks but like waking up and immediately going for a run feels so good and that really sucks. But it really does work.
Matt:Love, hate relationship for sure. And he is a full time photographer along with continuing it as a hobby too. On the side doing his favorite kind of shoots.
Christopher:Very cruisy and gay.
Matt:But something fundamental has shifted in how he Approaches both his art and relationships.
Christopher:I tried, like, dip my toe into Paulie and quickly realized it just takes a lot of time and a lot of conversations.
And, yeah, I just kind of realized that is so lovely in theory, But I don't think I have the time to give, like, multiple people that level of attention.
Matt:Christopher experimented with polyamory and discovered it wasn't for him, not because of jealousy or possessiveness, but because of the time it takes.
Christopher:But for your secondaries, you're oftentimes there for primary, and so there's, like, conflict there of they want more than you're able to give. But, yeah, I mean, it feels like I'm kind of starting from scratch. I'm kind of, like, at zero, which is very fun.
Matt:Christopher describing this as very fun being at zero, which tells you everything about how his relationship with himself has evolved.
Christopher:I don't feel, like, that pressure that I felt beforehand of, like, I need to find someone. I need to, like, go on dates. I need to hook up with people. I just, like, don't feel a lot of pressure there.
And also I feel a lot more cautious of, like, you can have a fling with someone and then you can spend a long time of your life with them. And so I think before, I was, like, so eager to just, like, jump into that with anyone, and now I feel much more not guarded.
But I know what I like and don't like and know when I don't like something and don't want to pursue that.
Matt:And he's just learned to trust his instincts.
Christopher:I think it's good to know what you like and don't like. But I think a lot of people get limited to, like, this is all I want to do, and this is what I do in every hookup.
And every hookup is going to be different. Everyone's different. And so I think I like to just kind of go with flow and see where things go naturally.
Other rather than, like, you came here to do this to me and you didn't or whatever, that's like, not fun versus just kind of seeing what happens.
Like, hanging out, going, like, on a date or on a hike without the, like, expectation of anything happening and then something happening and then even then not really knowing where it's going to lead.
Matt:To go with the flow instead of having a sexual script. Christopher learned this the hard way, but it served him well.
Christopher:I felt so pressured when I was younger to, like, am I a twink? Am I an otter? Like, am I a top or a bottom or a side or a verse? Or whatever.
And now I'm kind of like, I'm whatever I'm going to be, and let's just all have a good time.
Matt:The pressure to categorize yourself, to have your sexual identity figured out and labeled. Christopher has moved beyond that into something more fluid and authentic. That works for him. But when he does hook up these days, it's different.
More intentional, more connected.
Christopher:Oh, it was actually really lovely.
It was this guy that I'd been talking to for a while, and then I was out with friends, and he invited me over, and I was like, I don't know, I should just go home. And then I was like. And then I was like, you know what? I'm single. Let's just go for it. And it was such a lovely experience.
And I think because we'd been talking for a long time, it wasn't, like, really sexual at all. So it just felt a lot safer than, like, I don't, like, when, like, someone's just, like, 100% sexual.
It feels like I'm being like, Uber eats to someone's bed.
Matt:Now that's a memorable line right there. Christopher has learned the difference between being wanted as a person and being wanted as a sexual service delivery.
Christopher:Yeah, so, yeah, it was kind of nice that we were, like, actually having a conversation. Not even like a formal, how was your day?
But, like, immediately getting really unhinged and just, like, sending really, just, like, shitposting each other. And so it just felt, like, very familiar and comfortable. And, yeah, it was, like, very, very.
Matt:Lovely getting unhinged together as intimacy. Christopher has found his people and his preferred communication style.
But for someone who built part of his career through social media and uses apps to meet people, Christopher's relationship with the Internet has become complicated.
Christopher:Find the Internet both very real, but also, like, none of it really matters. So that's kind of, like, the approach that I take to it.
I think I've just, like, stopped seeing the value in it now that I, like, don't feel as tied to it professionally or, like, personally. I think, like, it's, like, very fun, and I've gotten, you know, amazing opportunities through Instagram.
But also I'm like, none of this really matters. And, like, this is all fake. And especially, like, I felt that a lot since moving here, where I'll do so much and, like, not take a single photo.
I won't even, like, think about it and, like, my friends will get mad and are like, you're a photographer. You're supposed to document this. Like, I do that all week long. Like, I don't do that, like, and I do that, like, for fun too. And I don't want to.
I don't need photos of myself all the time.
Matt:Christopher has learned the difference between documenting life and living it, and he's chosen living it.
Christopher:I'm like, I don't need people to constantly see what I'm doing. Like, being obsessed over that kind of stuff. I just don't really feel that necessity anymore.
Like, I love to just, like, turn my phone off and disappear for a day or two.
Matt:Christopher has come a long way from that four year old in a princess dress and looking back at everything it took to get here.
Christopher:I remember watching Heartstopper for the first time and being like, if things were this easy for me, like, I would either be so much further in my life in some ways or wouldn't have pushed myself as hard. I was like, so obsessed with being perfect and acting a certain way and checking other people's boxes.
And, like, I think a thing I've realized recently is like, I've done so much for other people. And so I think now I'm like, kind of feeling like, what do I like and what don't I like?
And I think I would, yeah, tell myself to just have fun and stop taking everything so seriously. And worst case scenario, you try something, you don't like it, and then now you know so.
